Wade visits Weasel, who is also disgusted by his appearance.
Wade: Do you like what you see?
Weasel: No. You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.
Wade: Yeah.
Weasel: Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking. There was something wrong with the relationship and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence.
Wade: And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory. And he's gone. Poof!.
Weasel: Yeah, well you gotta do something to remedy this because as of now, you only have one course of action.
Wade: Damn straight. Find Francis.
Weasel: Star in horror films.
Wade: What?
Weasel: Star in your own horror films. Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.
Wade: Here's what I'm actually gonna do. I'm gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis, force him to fix this, and then put a bullet in his skull and fuck the brain hole.
Weasel: I don't want to see that or think of it again. But the douchebag does think you're dead, right?
Wade: Yeah.
Weasel: That's good. You should keep it that way.
Wade: What, like, wear a mask?
Weasel: Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. I am sorry... you are haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
Wade: Like a testicle with teeth.
Weasel: You will die alone. I mean, if you could die. Ideally, for others' sake.
Weasel suggests Wade should wear a mask all the time and adopt a nickname.
Weasel: Oh, shit.
Wade: What?
Weasel: I put all my money on you and now I just realized I'm never going to win the, uh...
Wade: Dead pool.
Wade: [thinks for a moment] Captain Deadpool... No, just...
Weasel, Wade: Just Deadpool.
Weasel: To you, Mr. Pool. Deadpool. That sounds like a fucking franchise.
"Deadpool" throws together a white outfit and begins his crusade to find Ajax by plowing through his goons until he can find him. One thug shoots Deadpool multiple time, saturating his white outfit with blood.
Deadpool: Where's Francis?
Sometime later, Wade is at a laundry mat trying to get the blood out of his white outfit. There, he meets a blind woman named Al (Leslie Uggams).
Blind Al: Use seltzer water and lemon juice for blood. Or wear red, dumbass. . . . . God, I miss cocaine.
Deadpool: [to audience] A fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break. That's like, sixteen walls.
Wade returns home and puts together a red costume that's starting to look closer to the signature Deadpool costume. He adds the dual swords to his back. He goes to a boxing match and finds another henchmen, impaling the thug's hand to a wall.
Deadpool: Don't make me ask twice... where's Francis?
Later, back at his home.
Deadpool: Made me ask twice.
Wade finally perfects his Deadpool costume and continues to pile up the henchmen body count. He cripples one thug at a hockey arena and is in the driver's seat of a zamboni machine headed for the thug.
Deadpool: That's right! You're about to be killed by a zamboni! Tell me where your fucking boss is or you're going to die! In five minutes!
Deadpool's campaign of carnage continues.
Deadpool: [banging a door on a henchman] Where is Francis? Where the fuck is Francis? Where's Francis?
. . . And more carnage.
Deadpool: [to a Spanish goon] D�nde est� Francesca?
Deadpool knocks a young woman to the floor.
Deadpool: This is confusing. Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? I mean, the line gets real... blurry!
Deadpool cocks his gun. Later, Deadpool tracks down the Recruiter.
Deadpool: [to the Recruiter] Nice to see you, Jared. I'll take the foot long... Fully loaded.
The Recruiter makes a run for it while his bodyguards, which Deadpool easily dispatches them. Deadpool knocks the Recruiter down on the sidewalk moments later.
Deadpool: 41 confirmed kills. Now it's 89. About to be 90.
Recruiter: Mr. Wilson?
Deadpool: Ding-ding.
Recruiter: You're looking very alive.
Deadpool: Ha! Only on the outside!
Recruiter: This is not going to end well for me, is it?
Deadpool: This is not gonna end well for you, no. Where's your boss?
Recruiter: I can tell you exactly...
Deadpool: Oh, you tell me. But first... [to audience] You might wanna look away for this.
Deadpool pushes the camera away.
Deadpool: Now this little piggy went to...
The Recruiter screams. Back at his home, Deadpool reveals the Recruiter gave up Ajax's whereabouts.
Meanwhile Ajax is meeting with an arms purchaser. The man has a demanding attitude and shows little respect towards the young arms dealer until Ajax lifts him by the throat, using his enhanced strength. It is Ajax that lays down the conditions for future purchases. Ajax and his caravan of henchmen take off in their vehicles and motorcycles, unaware they are about to encounter Deadpool.
Deadpool calls a cab. In the cab, he is bored in the backseat.
Deadpool: Kinda lonesome back here.
He slides up front to chat with the cabbie, Dopinder (Karan Soni). Deadpool asks Dopinder about a picture of a girl he has in his car, and Dopinder says she was his girlfriend until he lost her to his cousin.
Deadpool: Love is a beautiful thing. When you find it, the the whole world taste like Daffodil Daydream. So you gotta hold onto love... tight! And never let go. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Got it?
Dopinder: Yeah.
Deadpool: Or the whole world tastes like Mama Juice after hot yoga.
Dopinder: Sir, what does Miss Mama June taste like?
Deadpool: Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss. . . . . Oh shit! I forgot my ammo bag!
Dopinder: Uh, why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool?
Deadpool: Oh, that's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. And I'm after someone on my naughty list. I've been waiting one year, three weeks... six days and, oh... 14 minutes to make him fix what he did to me.
Dopinder: And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool?
Deadpool: This shit...
Deadpool lifts his mask halfway showing his scarred face.
Deadpool: Boo!
Dopinder takes Deadpool to the middle of a bridge.
Dopinder: That's, uh, $27.50.
Deadpool: I never carry a wallet when I'm working. Ruins the lines of my suit.
Dopinder: Oh.
Deadpool: But, uh, how about a crisp high five?
Deadpool is sitting on a bridge rail, listening to music.
Deadpool: [to the audience] I know right? You're probably thinking, "Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie"? I can't tell you his name, but it rhymes with "Polverine." . . . [in an Australian accent] And let me tell you, he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under.
He then spots Ajax's caravan arriving, and he jumps into one of the vans and begins beating up of all the thugs inside. A thug smashes his head into car seat . . . .
Deadpool: Rich Corinthian leather!
Deadpool shoves the car cigarette lighter into a thug's mouth . . . .
Deadpool: I've never said this to anyone before, but don't swallow!
Deadpool's main target is Ajax. In the midst of a car crash . . . .
Deadpool: Shit. . . Did I leave the stove on?
The vans all come crashing to the end of the bridge, where one thug's head is sliced off with a chain, and another is splattered against a traffic sign.
At Xavier's School For Gifted Youngsters, Colossus (Stefan Kapicic) sees the chaos unfolding on the news and calls Negasonic Teenage Warhead (Brianna Hildebrand) to join him in getting Deadpool.
Colossus: I've given Deadpool every chance to join us but he'd rather act like a child. A heavily armed child. When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming an X-Man?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Which benefits? The matching unitards? The house that blows up every few years?
Colossus: Please. House blowing up builds character. . . . . You ate breakfast, yes? Breakfast is most important meal of day. Here, protein bar. Good for bones. Deadpool may try to break yours.
Thugs surround the van that Deadpool attacked. A window opens . . . .
Deadpool: [raises his hands] Wait! You may be wondering, "Why the red suit?" Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed.
He points at a thug on the left.
Deadpool: This guy's got the right idea. he wore the brown pants. . . Okay guys, I only have twelve bullets, so you're all going to have to share!
Deadpool counts off how many rounds with each thug he kills, accidentally missing a few shots . . . . .
Deadpool: Bad Deadpool!
He shoots a thug in the head. Another thug is about to throw a grenade, but Deadpool shoots, the grenade explodes, killing more thugs.
Deadpool: Good Deadpool.
Deadpool is looking the other way when a thug shoots him in the ass. Feigning death, he quickly kills the thug.
Deadpool: Right up Main Street.
He wastes two bullets on the corpse of the thug who shot him in the ass.
Deadpool: Ugh, stupid! . . . Worth it!
After shooting three people in the head with one bullet, he inhales the smoke from his own guns.
Deadpool: Ahhhh. I'm touching myself tonight.
One last thug comes at Deadpool with two knives, but Deadpool quickly skewers him.
Deadpool finds Ajax headed towards him on a motorcycle and he throws his kitana at the bike, causing Ajax to crash.
Deadpool: A hush fall over the crowd as rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson out of Regina, Saskatchewan, lines up the shot. His form looks good.
He kicks Francis in the head.
Deadpool: Oh! And that's why Regina rhymes with fun.
Deadpool impales Ajax with the other blade, but since Ajax is a mutant, the blade doesn't kill him. Deadpool lifts up his mask for to show his scars so that Ajax can recognize him as Wade Wilson.
Deadpool: Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.
He's about to kill Ajax when he accidentally hits Colossus in the groin.
Deadpool: Dad?
He turns and sees Colossus and Negasonic. Colossus flings Deadpool several feet in the air, crashing into a car.
Colossus: You've been warned before, Deadpool. This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. You will both be coming with us.
Deadpool: Look, Colossus, I don't have time for the goody two-shows bullshit right now! . . . [to Negasonic] And you are?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
Deadpool: Negasonic Teenage... what the shit? That's the coolest name ever!
Negasonic insults Deadpool with smart-ass remarks.
Deadpool: LOOK! I'm a teenage girl, I'd rather be anywhere than here! I'm all about long sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silence! So what's it gonna be: long sullen silence or mean comment? Go on, take your pick.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: ...You got me in a box here.
Deadpool: AH-HAA!
Colossus: We can't allow this, Deadpool. Please, come quietly.
Deadpool: You big chrome cock-gobbler!
Colossus: That's not nice.
Deadpool: You're really gonna fuck this up for me? Trust me, that wheezing bag of dick-tips has it coming. He's pure evil. Besides... Nobody's getting hurt.
The thug who was splattered on the traffic sign, falls onto a car below.
Deadpool: That guy was already up there when I got here. . . . . Listen, the day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... on that day, I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request!
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: [pointing behind Deadpool] Hey, Douche-Pool!
Deadpool: [turns around towards Ajax] And I hope you're watching . . .
Deadpool gasps in horror, as Ajax has disappeared.
Colossus: Quite unfortunate...
Deadpool: [shaking his head in disbelief] THAT DOES IT!
Enraged, he punches Colossus in the face, breaking his own hand.
Deadpool: Ooh! Oh, Canada! That's not good. . . . . Cock-Shot!
Deadpool then tries to hit Colossus in the groin, breaking his other hand.
Deadpool: Ahhh! Your poor wife!
Deadpool: [waving his broken wrists] All dinosaurs feared the T-Rex!
And lastly, Deadpool breaks his foot trying to kick Colossus.
Colossus: Do you have off switch?
Deadpool: Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch?
|
