Wade Wilson (Ryan Reynolds) is a mercenary-for-hire living in New York City. He takes a job getting Jeremy, a pizza delivery boy, to stop stalking Meghan Orlovsky. Wade had broken into Gavin Merchant's apartment earlier and ordered the pizza. So Gavin is confused why the delivery man is at his door. When Gavin realizes Jeremy is Wade's target, he is relieved.
Wade: Not out of the woods yet. You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. They're jeans, not a chandelier. P.S. I'm keeping your wallet. You did kinda give it to me.
Gavin Merchant: Okay, just look, man, can I have my Sam's card?
Wade: I will shoot your fucking cat!
Gavin Merchant: I don't know what that means. I don't have a cat.
Wade: Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in?
Deadpool: You even look in her direction, and I'll show you that I have some hard spots too. . . . . That came out wrong. Or did it?
He kisses Jeremy on the cheek.
Once his job is done, the girl thanks him.
Teen Girl #1: Hey, do you think you can fuck up my stepdad?
Wade: I give a guy a pavement facial, it's because he's earned it.
Meghan Orlovsky: Hey, wait! You're my hero.
Wade: No-no-no-no. That I ain't! . . . . . [to audience] I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys.
Wade: Welcome to Sister Margaret's. It's like a job fair for mercenaries. Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies except we knock out the teeth and take the cash. You'd best hope we never see your name on a gold card.
Weasel: Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful. What can I do for you?
Wade: I'd love a Blow Job.
Weasel: Oh, God, me too.
Wade: The drink, moose knuckle.
Weasel (TJ Miller) suggests Wade is a softy for a merc considering he went easy on the stalker.
Wade: I've been traveling to exotic places, Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, meeting new and exciting people.
Weasel: And killing them, I know, I saw your Instagram. So what was a special operatives doing in Jacksonville?
Wade: That's classified. They have a wonderful TGI Fridays!
Weasel: All right, Kahlua, Bailey's and whipped cream. I give you a Blow Job. Why do you make me make that?
Wade has Kelly, a waitress, bring the drink to a big thug named Boothe, and to say it came from another big fellow named Buck, leading to a bar fight where people bet on others to die, which is called the "dead pool".
Wade: [to Weasel] You bet on me to die? Wow. Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend. Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102. And then dying. Like the city of Detroit.
At this bar, Wade meets a prostitute named Vanessa (Morena Baccarin). Buck walks by and smacks Vanessa's rear.
Buck: I'd hit that.
Wade: Buck, you best apologize before...
Vanessa grabs Buck's groin.
Wade: Yeah, that.
Vanessa: Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf.
Buck: I'm sorry.
Wade: Breathe through the nose.
Buck: I don't have a filter between my brain and my...
Vanessa grabs harder.
Wade: [to Vanessa] Let go. Okay. Hey, oh, oh, oh... Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry. [to Buck] Get out of here. Go cast a spell.
Vanessa: Hey, hands off the merchandise.
Wade: Merchandise? Huh... so you uh, bump fuzzies for money?
Wade: Rough childhood?
Vanessa: Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born.
Wade: Daddy left before I was conceived.
Vanessa: Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?
Wade: Where else do you put one out?
Vanessa: I was molested!
Wade: Me too. Uncle.
Vanessa: Uncles. They took turns.
Wade: I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet, which also happened to be my...
Vanessa: Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box.
Wade: [gasps] You had a dishwasher. I didn't even know sleep. It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn.
Vanessa: [laughs] Who would do such a thing?
Wade: Hopefully you. Later tonight? Hey, what can I get for $275 and uh... a Yogurtlands reward card?
Vanessa: Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want. And a low-fat dessert.
Later, Wade and Vanessa are at an arcade.
Wade: [drops fistful of tickets on counter] A limited edition Voltron Defender of the Universe ring, por favor.
Arcade Ticket Taker: [moves tickets aside] Okay, here we go...
Wade: [indicates ring to Vanessa] I've had my eye on this sucker for a while.
Vanessa: And I will take the pencil eraser.
Arcade Ticket Taker: Okay. . . . [to Wade] You are now the proud protector of the planet Arus. . . . [to Vanessa] And you can erase stuff written in pencil.
Wade: [offers Vanessa his arm] M'lady.
Vanessa: Well I hate to break it to you, but your forty-eight minutes are up.
Wade: [looking at his Voltron ring] Hey! How many more minutes can I get for this? FYI, five mini lion bots come together to form one super-bot!
Vanessa: Five mini lion bots?
Vanessa: Three minutes.
Wade: Deal! What do we do with the remaining two minutes thirty-seven seconds?
Vanessa: [pause] Cuddle?
They bond over their weird, messed up lives before starting a sexual relationship, which eventually evolves into a romantic one.
Wade: Your right leg is Thanksgiving and your left leg is Christmas. Can I come and visit you between the holidays?
Time has passed and their relationship has grown . . . .
Wade: Listen, I've been thinking.
Wade: About why we're so good together.
Vanessa: Why is that?
Wade: Well, your crazy matches my crazy, big time.
Wade: And, uh, we're like two jigsaw pieces, you know, and we have curvy edges.
Vanessa: But you fit them together and you see the picture on top.
Vanessa: Wade, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. Only because you haven't gotten around to asking me. Will you, um, stick it up my a....
Wade holds up a giant toy ring.
Wade: Marry me?
Vanessa: Uh, jinx?
Vanessa: Where were you hiding that?
Wade and is shown to be butt-naked.
Wade: What if I just held on and never let go?
Vanessa: Just ride a bitch's back, like Yoda on Luke.
Wade: Oh, Star Wars jokes.
Wade: Jesus Christ. It's like I made you in a computer.
Wade: [to audience] Here's the thing. Life is an endless series of trainwrecks with only brief commercial-like breaks of happiness. This had been the ultimate commercial break. Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled programming.
Wade is genuinely happy . . . and then he collapses.
Sometime later, he is diagnosed with cancer.
Wade: [to doctor] You're clowning. You're not clowning? I sense clowns.
Wade: [to audience] Vanessa's already working on plan's A, B, through Z. Me? I'm trying to memorize the details of her face, like it's the first time I'm seeing it... or the last.
Vanessa: So, am I suppose to just smile and wave you out the door?
Wade: Think of it like spring cleaning. Only if spring was death. God, if I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Bernadette Peters.
Vanessa: Sounds like you do. Bernadette is not going anywhere, because you're not going anywhere. Drink.
Wade: You're right. Cancer is only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. All the things I can live without. Listen, we both know that cancer is a shit-show. Like a Yakov Smirnoff opening for the Spin Doctors at the Iowa State Fair shit-show. And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. I want you to remember me, not the ghost of Christmas me.
Vanessa: Well, I wanna remember us.
Wade: I swear to God, I will find you in the next life and I'm gonna boom-box "Careless Whisper" outside your window. Wham!
Vanessa: No one is boom-boxing shit. Okay? We can fight this. Besides, I just realized something. You win. Your life is officially way more fucked up than mine.
Wade pays Weasel a visit at the bar.
Wade: Here, check it out. She's sending away for all these colorful clinic brochures. I'm sure there all FDA approved. Chechnya, isn't that where you go to get cancer? You got China and Central Mexico. You know how they say "cancer" in Spanish?
Wade: El cancer.
Weasel tells him that a man sitting in the corner is looking for him. He is The Recruiter (Jed Rees).
Recruiter: Mr. Wilson.
Wade: How can I help you? Besides luring children into a panel van.
Recruiter: What if I told you we can cure your cancer? And what's more, give you abilities most mean only dream of?
Wade: I'd say that you sound like an infomercial, but not a good one, like Slap Chop. More Shake Weight-y.
Wade is hesitant, but he takes the card that The Recruiter gives him.
Later in the middle of the night, Vanessa wakes up and sees Wade is sitting nearby.
Wade: I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it.
He lies down in bed beside Vanessa.
Wade: They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent.
Later, he makes the choice to be cured for Vanessa, leaving her alone in the middle of the night and never returning. He goes to the facility.
Recruiter: Mr. Wilson. Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's. You finally hit "fuck it."
Wade: Just promise you'll do right by me. So I can do right by someone else.
Recruiter: Of course.
Wade: And please don't make the super-suit green. Or animated.
Wade meets Ajax (Ed Skrein) for the first time, along with his cohort Angel Dust (Gina Carano). Ajax says that in order for Wade's cells to heal, they have to subject him to extreme stress for the mutant cells to activate.
Wade: You have something in your teeth.
Wade: Hey, is Ajax your actual name? Because it sounds suspiciously made up. What is it really? Kevin? Bruce? Scott? Mitch? The Rickster? [in British accent] Is it Basil Fawlty?
Ajax: Oh, joke away. One thing that never survives in this place is a sense of humor.
Wade: We'll see about that.
Ajax: I suppose we will. [to Angel] He's all yours.
Wade: Oh, come on. You're gonna leave me all alone here with less-angry Rosie O'Donnell?
Ajax leaves and Angel knocks out Wade. He undergoes a series of torture techniques.
Later, Wade is having a lighter moment with another subject named David Cunningham, at Ajax's expense.
Ajax: You're lovely. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm touched.
Cunningham: We were just joking.
Ajax: No, no. It's okay. I encourage distractions. Wouldn't want you giving up on us, now would we?
Wade: Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham. How tough can he be with a name like Francis?
Wade: That's his legal name. He got Ajax from the dish soap. F, R, A, N, C, I... Oops!
Ajax: Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut.
Wade: Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Ajax straps Wade to a chamber that they can control and limit the volume of oxygen.
Ajax: You know the funniest part of this? You still think we're making you a superhero. You. A dishonorable discharge. Hip-deep in hookers. You're nothing. Little secret, Wade, this workshop doesn't make superheroes, we make super-slaves. We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder. Who knows what they'll have you doing? Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters. Maybe just mow the occasional lawn.
Wade: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Ajax activates the chamber, Wade's skin and face start to blotch up, making him disfigured.
Deadpool: [to audience] Did I say this was a love story? It's a horror movie.
Ajax opens the chamber and tells Wade his super-immune system is neutralizing his cancer as it forms. Wade headbutts Angel and takes a match that she kept in her mouth.
Ajax: What's my name?
After Ajax leaves, Wade lights the match and throws it near the oxygen vent, causing an explosion in the laboratory. Ajax goes down to see what happened, and Wade starts to fight him.
Wade now has increased strength, but Ajax gets the upper hand and impales Wade with a bar. Ajax bends the bar to prevent Wade's escape.
Ajax: What's my name?
Ajax leaves as the facility crumbles around Wade. Wade watches the fire encroaching towards Cunningham, who is still strapped to his overturned bed. Sometime later, Wade wakes up alive in the ashes of the destroyed facility.
Deadpool: I didn't just get the cure to el cancer, I got the cure to el everything.
Wade walks through the streets with a hood over his head, but the people that see him are creeped out by his appearance. This makes him worry about what Vanessa will think if she sees him, so he stays away from her completely.