Note: All of the items in the cellar summon specific creatures/killers. You will see text highlighted in green that identifies what cellar item summons that creature/killer.
Steve Hadley and Gary Sitterson are workaday white collar joes getting coffee and vending snacks as they chat. Hadley is blandly handsome, Sitterson bordering on nerdy, but they have a sweet rapport.
HADLEY: It's hormonal. I mean, I don't usually fall back on.... It's women's issues.
SITTERSON: But child-proofed how? Gates and stuff?
HADLEY: Dude, she did the drawers. We don't even know if this whole fertility thing's gonna work, she's screwed in these little jobbies where you can't even open the drawers.
SITTERSON: At all?
HADLEY: No. They open an inch, then you gotta dig your finger in. It's a nightmare.
SITTERSON: I guess sooner or later.
HADLEY: Yeah, a lot later. She did the upper cabinets. Kid will be 30 before he can reach them, assuming we have a kid.
They exit to the hall, it's an enormous concrete maze. A few other workers pass by as the men talk.
SITTERSON: It is natural for her to feel protective.
HADLEY: Don't even.... You have women's issues.
SITTERSON: Please. You of all people.
HADLEY: Oh, come on. It's a jinx. It guarantees that we won't get pregnant. And it takes me about 20 minutes to get a fucking beer.
Wendy Lin, a nervous woman in a labcoat, joins them. The two men are not particularly concerned about what she is telling them.
LIN: Guys. Guys! Stockholm went south.
SITTERSON: Seriously? I thought they were looking good.
HADLEY: What cracked?
LIN: I haven't seen the footage. Word's just going around.
HADLEY: Well, that's never been a stable scenario. Everyone knows you can't trust Swedes.
LIN: That means there's just Japan. Japan and us.
HADLEY: It's not the first time it's come down to that.
SITTERSON: Japan has a perfect record.
HADLEY: We're number two. We try harder.
LIN: If we fail, then . . .
SITTERSON: Please. We haven't had a glitch since '98.
They turn a corner and find a row of golf carts at the end of a long, featureless hall.
HADLEY: We know what we're doing, Lin. Or we have it written down.... somewhere.
LIN: You guys better not be messing around in there.
SITTERSON: Does this mean you're not in the betting pool this year? Big money.
LIN: I'm just saying, it's a key scenario.
The two men board a golf cart.
HADLEY: No, I hear what you're saying. In '98, it was the chem department's fault, right? Where do you work, again? Wait. It's coming back to me, now. . . .
Hadley drives off in mid-sentence, Sitterson trying to not spill his coffee.
HADLEY: It's gonna be a long weekend if everyone's that puckered up. . . .You wanna come over Monday night? I'm gonna pick up some power drills. Liberate my cabinets. . . . Are you even listening to me?
The scene shifts to a street with a good, boho student vibe, not un-San Francisco-like. We zoom in on a townhouse and into the second story window of Dana Polk, a thoughtful, attractive college sophomore. Her room is like her: restrained and well ordered, but with funky touches of color and whimsy. A few sketches and watercolors of her own dot the walls as well. Dana is in shirt and undies, packing for a trip and bopping softly to music from her little stereo.
She takes a couple of political science textbooks and drops them in her suitcase. She crosses to grab art supplies, including a battered sketchbook. She pauses, flipping through her sketches, which aren't bad, till she gets to a portrait of a handsome thirty-something man with longish hair and glasses. Dana stares sad at the picture when Julie "Jules" Louden come in next to her. Jules is bubbly, sexy, and as of ten minutes ago, blonde.
JULES: Professor Fuckwad. Why haven't you stuck that asshole's picture on the dartboard yet?
DANA: It's not that simple . . .Oh, my God! Your hair. It's blonde.
JULES: Very fabulous, no?
DANA: I can't believe you did it.
JULES: But very fabulous, right? Hurry up with the "very fabulous." I'm getting insecure about it now.
DANA: No, it looks awesome. Curt's gonna lose it.
JULES: Curt's gonna thank me. And so will you.... while we're burning this picture.
DANA: Not ready. Seriously, this isn't his fault.
JULES: What's not his fault? Fucking his student or breaking up with you by email?
DANA: I knew what I was getting into.
JULES: Oh, please. You know what you're getting into this weekend? . . This.
She holds up Dana's bikini from her open drawer.
JULES: And if Holden's as cute as Curt says he is.... possibly getting out of it.
DANA: That is the last thing that I want. If you treat this like a setup, I'm gonna have no fun at all.
JULES: I'm not pushing, but we're packing this! . . . Which means we definitely won't have room for . . .
Jules pulls out the textbooks.
DANA: What if I get bored?
JULES: These will help? Soviet Economic Structures? Aftermath of the . . . No! We have a lake and a keg. No more learning!
CURT: Think fast!
Curt Vaughan is Jules' boyfriend and yes, that's a football he's throwing right at the girls. The girls yeep and flinch as the ball goes right between them and out the window.
CURT: Faster than that.
Dana moves to look out the window in time to see Curt's friend Holden McCrea.
Holden rushes into the street and catches the ball, a slowing car bumping his leg. It's an impressive catch.
HOLDEN: Sorry. Sorry. Move along.
The three are now at the window all looking out . . .
DANA: Is that Holden?
CURT: We'll be right down. . . He just transferred from State. Best hands on the team. He's a sweet guy.
JULES: And he's good with his hands.
CURT: I'm kinda seeing this girl, but you're way blonder than she is. But I was thinking, you know, maybe . . .
He pries the books from Jules.
CURT: What is this? What are you doing with these?
DANA: Okay, I get it. I'll leave the books.
CURT: No, who gave you these? Who taught you about these?
JULES: I learned it from you, okay? I learned it from watching you!
In mock weep, she flees the room. Curt holds the first book up to Dana.
CURT: Seriously, Professor Bennett, he covers this whole book in his lectures. . . You should read this. Gurovsky. Now this is way more interesting. Also, Bennett doesn't know it by heart, so he'll think you're insightful. . . And you have no pants.
DANA: Oh, shit!
Dana finishes packing and they all go downstairs to pack up the RV.
Outside in the street a bit later: Curt is hauling Jule's last suitcase (she has overpacked) into the Rambler, the trailer Curt owns, with the dirt-bike attached to the rear.
CURT: That's pretty much it? Fucking better be. You know, Jules, it's a weekend, not an evacuation.
JULES: Trust me when I say there is nothing in those cases, you won't be glad I brought.
CURT: I'm shuttin' right up.
DANA: Oh, my God.
A car has just finished parking. Martin "Marty" Mikalski is getting out of the driver's seat while smoking a huge bong. It's difficult to maneuver, but definitely not his first time. His friends instantly look around for, oh say, police . . .
CURT: Fuck is wrong with you, bro?
MARTY: People in this town drive in a very counterintuitive manner. That's what I have to say.
CURT: Do you wanna spend the weekend in jail? We'd all like to check out my cousin's country home.
JULES: Honey, that's not okay.
MARTY: Statistical fact. Cops will never pull over a man with a huge bong in his car. Why? They fear this man. They know he sees further than they.... and he will bind them with ancient logics. . . Have you gone gray?
CURT: You're not bringing that thing in the Rambler.
MARTY: What? A giant bong in your father's van?
He pours the water out. Removes the bowl, sticks it in a little holder inside the tube and telescopes the entire thing down, pulls a lid off the bottom and pops it on the top, making it look exactly like a travel mug.
MARTY: What are you, stoned? (to Holden) Hey, man.